I loved reading today that Wal-Mart plans to develop a “prestige” beauty line with Hard Candy cosmetics. That’s a whopper of an oxymoron on so many levels, it’s delicious.

In the news release, a Wal-Mart spokesperson correctly described Hard Candy as a “legacy brand with lots of equity.” I remember when the brand made its stunning debut, the result of a resourceful and fashionable pre-med student hankering for a powder-blue nail polish to wear to a party. At the time, there was no such thing, so young Dineh Mohajer created her own.

That was a lifetime ago, and now a massive (and decidedly unfashionable) corporate giant is attempting to recapture that moment of genius. Not to mention profit. Not gonna happen.

Something else called the Fitch Rating report tells us that the “luxury” market is weakening worldwide. Well, it’s about time. I’m a consumer, and I’m not amused by the notions of prestige and luxury anymore, are you? Like every girl, I need my stuff. But I don’t want it swathed in a lot of marketing mumbo-jumbo.

Just give me the baby-blue nail polish and the woman who dreamed it up.

Everybody’s always yapping about how “crazy-busy” they are. Including me.

But here’s the really bad news: you will spend more time reading this blog than you will cleansing your skin today. And that’s not good.

You probably spent less than a minute washing your face this morning or last night at the sink. Even less time if you wash your face in the shower. That’s just not enough to get skin into a pristine, receptive state.

Consider all of the high-tech cosmetic products which crow about their ability to last 12, 18 or more hours. Long-wearing foundations, waterproof mascaras, and the new nearly indelible lip stains which outlast talking, eating, smooching and what have you. And sunblocks are also notoriously indelible, made to last during strenuous outdoor sports. So getting this tenacious stuff off your skin each night requires equally advanced technology.

I recommend that you check out Dermalogica Precleanse if you’re in such a big hurry. Use it on your face before washing. It seems like an extra step, but it actually speeds up the process—makeup and grime just melt away. Pick up a sample at least next time your passing a Dermalogica Super Star skin therapist [they all are!] Then cleanse—twice—with your favorite cleanser. The first cleanse just dislodges the surface debris. The second cleanse actually treats and preps the skin for exfoliation, moisturizing and other skin care.

Getting skin really clean is the crucial starting-point for skin which resists damage, recovers well from trauma, and serves as a vibrant canvas for all of that indestructible makeup. So, give it a minute, and then another minute—it’s the first step in a lifetime of healthy skin.

Abraham Maszlow’s famous hierarchy of needs tells us that we all need to belong, to be a part of something—family, team, tribe, nation. True enough—but leave your skin out of it.

To cut right to the chase, there are no real skin “types”. This idea is an oversimplification which makes the work of manufacturers so much easier. But it does not help you, the end user, get your best skin to happen.

The huge general categories of “Dry”, “Oily” and my favorite, “Combination,” only begin to tell a fraction of the whole skin story. Somewhere, there may be an individual whose skin is consistently one and one thing only. This is the exception, however. Skin, like every other aspect of our health and indeed our being, is a moving target. Oh, sure, that may LOOK like your face in the mirror there this morning, the same face that you cleansed, exfoliated, moisturized and admired just last night. But the truth is—different day, different skin.

Manufacturers and retailers rely upon your consistently finding your favorite drug store chain, going to your favorite shelf, and snapping up your favorite product, whether in Dubai, Dublin or Des Moines. This is the great profit incentive of the world monoculture. But the trouble is, your skin is always changing, and this buying pattern based upon skin-types does not allow you to find products which accommodate these changes.

Just face it, you’re inconsistent. We all are when it comes to skin, and this is not a bad thing. Our skin continually adapts to a thousand subtle signals and messages from the inside (hormones, diet, brain chemistry) and the outside (weather, environmental pollutants, altitude). And so it changes to protect and serve us, as it has for millennia.

The smarter way to see skin as is a constantly evolving condition. This doesn’t mean that you need to buy more products. You simply need to consult with a professional about which products will best suit your needs, and help you continuously chart the movements of that fantastic, living beast we’re in: our skin.

We live in a culture of instant gratification. Healthy skepticism is superceded by the desire for thin thighs in ten days, or thicker, longer hair in two weeks, or whiter teeth, plumper cup size, you name it, there’s a product claiming to deliver it.

For instance, many products claim to make cellulite vanish. This is simply not possible through the use of a topical cream or lotion. Manual lymphatic drainage may have a visible effect upon the wiggly, cottage-cheesey stuff we all hate, but even this is a truly subjective call. Yet cellulite cures remain one of the biggest promises in the skin care universe—promises which will inevitably be broken.

You’re after results. What’s possible? Hyperpigmentation, or darkened areas of the skin, may be effectively lightened. Acne may be tamed and reversed. Fine lines and other signs of age may be reduced through exfoliation and hydration. Overall skin texture may be revitalized by botanical components which trigger collagen growth, improving firmness and elasticity.

But how long will it take? Which specific products to use? How to make it happen? How can you know what’s true and what’s not when it comes to skin care? You need to consult with someone who has studied the science of skin and actually been tested and licensed in its care—namely, a professional skin therapist.

But unfortunately, you won’t get a set of Ginzu knives or a crinkle-cut French fry slicer in the deal.

You should have seen the telltale signs. Maybe you’ve been in denial. A feeling of heat, tightness, or itchiness after using your favorite cleanser. That little prickle of irritation following application of your moisturizer.

Then one day, there’s the rash that requires you to ice your face down like Mickey Rourke in an outtake from The Wrestler. Those signature staples that you’ve trusted for years, suddenly enemies. Et tu, my choco-fragranced facial soufflé?

In the skin biz, this phee-nom is known as “sensitization.” It’s often triggered over time by consistent exposure to chemical irritants like artificial colors and fragrances. These ingredients are recognized by chemists everywhere as irritants to the skin, but the truth is that pretty colors and synthetic perfumes sell cosmetic products. SO, many skin products contain these trouble-makers.

So get real. If you sense that your relationship with your face, body and bath products has become dysfunctional, seek out a counselor—a skin therapist. This trained professional can analyze your skin (at Dermalogica, we call this Face Mapping™, and it’s free), and set you straight.

And don’t worry—truly, you shall love again.

Yes, I’m talking about Michael Jackson. I’ve just read that Iowa State Fair organizers plan to create a tribute to The Gloved One by sculpting his likeness out of butter and displaying it in a 40-degree room during the August fair.

I guess this makes him the King of Popcorn.

This morsel crossed my screen simultaneously with news about an upswing in gout. This is in keeping with the royal theme, since the painful arthritic condition is often called “the disease of kings”. Why? Because for centuries, only the super-rich could afford super-rich foods which are linked with gout.

It now turns out that purines—present in sugary soft drinks (back to the Pop reference)—may contribute to modern gout, although I will always associate it with wearing velvet tights and chewing on a rump roast as a serving for one.

Meanwhile, keep in mind that not all emollients are created equal. Mineral oil, for instance, is occlusive and closes off the skin. Botanical oils, like Evening Primrose and Borage oil, as well as Shea Butter, support skin health.

My question is: what will the Iowa State Fair do with their homage when it’s time for this most buttery celeb meltdown?

So, now that you’ve been reading me for a while, tell me the truth: does this blog make my butt look big?

Frankly, I’m worried. Two new television series are about morbid obesity. There’s “Dance Your Ass Off” on Oxygen (a variation on the “Biggest Loser” series), and “Ruby” on Style.

All of this offers telling insight into the American psyche: fat is becoming more accepted, not less in our society.

No wonder. Dr. David Kessler, former Food and Drug Administration Commish and author of the recently released book “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite” explains that when foods are engineered (and they are) to be “hyperpalatable” through a specific alchemy of fat, salt and sugar, they are so stimulating that they literally become addictive. So pigging out becomes a frenzied lifestyle instead of an occasional slip.

My mission is bringing health through smart skin care to the world. And although nutrition and weight-management fall outside the specific parameters of my specialty, I do take an interest since these factors affect the skin.

The fact that the food industry designs food specifically to turn people into crazed animals, willing to abandon all notions of portion-size, seems morally wrong. This seems especially sinister when you consider that many of these foods are fast-foods, purchased via a drive-through window.

My advice: don’t eat and drive. It makes you fat, and gets the steering-wheel greasy.